Do men act "Macho" just in front of the Girls?
A San Francisco Pub is about to find out
I saw a MeetUp ad recently on the ol’ bluesky that caught my attention - a men-only gathering at a brewery in San Francisco. The reason why it was on bluesky was to mock it, and I get it. It has all the hallmarks of something easy to mock:
Coastal elite sensibilities
Failed attempts at "soft masculinity"
Yet another take on the masculinity debate
At first glance, it seems odd. Breweries are already male-coded spaces, unlike yoga studios. But looking deeper, there's something worthwhile here. The Meetup was started by a man named Arthur. Arthur is genuinely trying to create connection in a world where we're constantly told to meet people face-to-face. The post on bluesky only showed the first piece here:
But I’ll add in the rest of the context for this guy because honestly, it’s not bad:
You can find the post here if it’s not archived: https://www.meetup.com/20-somethings-friends-fun-in-sf/events/306484758/.
Arthur, I applaud the effort, and I’m sorry because I don’t mean to pick on you because it does seem like a genuine attempt to gather some people in a way that he’s used to, dudes being dudes and all. Also in a world where we’re constantly being told to touch some grass so they can meet people, Arthur is trying it out. Clumsy as it may be, I think we all should strive for this in our local community.
I get pitched these “let dudes just chill with other” events all the time in the men organizations that I am a part of. The thought process is that the cure to male loneliness epidemic or whatever you want to call it (malaise?), is men needing to connect with others. However the cure ONLY happens with other men.
Arthur's reasoning? Men act "macho in front of women." While this contains some truth, it oversimplifies the issue. What's less discussed but well-documented is that men's sense of masculinity is threatened by everyone - regardless of gender - and often by themselves.
A 2015 study revealed that male college students given falsely low results on a handgrip strength test subsequently exaggerated their height, claimed more romantic relationships, described themselves as more aggressive and athletic, and avoided stereotypically feminine products.
“The study found that male college students who were given falsely low results on a handgrip strength test exaggerated their height by three-quarters of an inch on average, reported having more romantic relationships, claimed to be more aggressive and athletic, and showed less interest in stereotypically feminine consumer products.”
This highlights my concern with men-only spaces. Call it a pet peeve. While they aim to foster connection, they can inadvertently amplify the performance of masculinity. Many men lack social skills partly due to their preoccupation with appearing "manly." Though not universal, this pattern explains why non-males often perceive male-only spaces as potentially dangerous.
Even in spaces designed for vulnerability, I've witnessed competition emerge - a "vulnerability Olympics." This explains why many men prefer mixed-gender interactions (less masculine competition) and why male-male relationships can be challenging. Even Arthur himself admitted that he felt queasy joining an all boys school.
I have the same issues honestly about all-male workplaces due to the inevitable masculinity competition that happens. The pissing competition.
Again, let me be clear, I’m actually not upset at this or at Arthur for trying this even though, it does seems clumsy to me. More people should try things like this in their community, his attempt at trying to break through what may be a tough thing to do when you’re 20 and 30s (i.e. making friends) is honourable and I wish him luck.
But here's my key point: men don't need segregated spaces to find connection, vulnerability, or authenticity. Men don't perform masculinity because of women's presence - they do it because of internalized expectations.
What men truly need are environments where they can develop social skills without feeling they're in competition. We need spaces to stumble, fail, learn, and grow - just like everyone else. Men don't need to perfect masculinity; we just need to be.
And if you go to this MeetUp in San Fran, hit me up because I would love to know how it went down.